#118 It's My Attitude!

Attitude = Angle of approach. My attitude is formed by my life experiences, starting with childhood. Our brains form opinions based on our experience - this becomes our life view - the way we see the world our attitudes are birthed from those early impressions. Until I change the way I see the world, it can never change. My attitude is my approach. This includes a great discussion by members of our Gathering community. Enjoy!

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Welcome and Meeting Details

SPEAKER_02 0:03

William with the gathering. If you're listening on a phone or a computer, we meet on the first and third Wednesday every month, 7 p.m. Central Time. The ID is 728-200-4166, and the password is 513-915. We've been doing this for about 20 years together and got a nice little community and welcome aboard. So tonight, as you you get subjected to whatever's been going on in my life since the last time we talked. Sometimes that's good, sometimes that's not good.

Compliance Without Real Change

SPEAKER_02 0:40

But um I've been talking to a lot of people that are struggling, and they can't see what the problem is because they're saying, well, I'm going to my meetings, for instance, or I'm going to church, I'm doing all my stuff, I'm checking my boxes, and that's what it is is you're checking your boxes. It's conformity and compliance, and there's no change. And so the suffering keeps going on at a at a at a different level. But the thing that I want to start talking about is attitude. And did you hear that?

SPEAKER_11 1:27

The dogs were like, yeah, yeah, all right.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

You know what I'm talking about, attitude? Attitude, the angle of approach. That's the definition. The first one in the dictionary is aeronautical. Angle of approach. So as I approach this thing called my life, my attitude is what informs how and what I'm doing. So where does my attitude come from? It comes from my experience. My attitude is how I approach things. So if I've had, well, I'll just tell you, growing up, my attitude was, I'll do this my way. And was predicated on self-reliance. Because at a very early age, I realized or felt I realized, or I assumed or presumed, no one was interested in helping me out except me. So this is again the seed bed of self-reliance. I'm not going to ask anyone for help. That's weak. I'm not going to show that I'm hurt. That's weak, right? And so my attitude informs how I perceive things. I'm not safe. Here's a see if I can pull this up.

SPEAKER_11 2:39

Uh hold on. There we go. Can you see this?

SPEAKER_02 2:46

It looks like you can. The mind finds what it seeks. Your mind is always searching for evidence based on your belief system, right? If I believe I can't catch a break, and the world's a nasty place to live in. If you expect life to disappoint you, you'll notice every flaw, every setback, every reason to give up. I will confirm my belief. Whether it's real or not is totally irrelevant because it's real to me. But if I choose to look for opportunity, I'll begin seeing lessons, possibilities, and open doors where others see dead ends. That's an attitude change. That's an attitude change. And my world, my world will reflect what my mind is trained to find. And then we go down and look at further. Well, what's the training? This is the thing that I talk about often in the uh program for happiness. What you have been led to believe is the answer to your three-dimensional problem, living in this dualistic world based on self-reliance, achievement, right? Wealth, power, prestige, fame. Okay. So I don't know there's alternative attitudes. I don't know there's alternative choices. I don't know there's alternative approaches because this is what I've always done. And when you work with guys, you'll hear men and women, you'll hear them, but this is the way I've always been. This is how I've always seen it. This is how I've always reacted. Well, that's that's fine. But that's a learned response. That's a learned response. And I don't have a way to say, um, is there something wrong with my approach? Because I have no alternatives. So I

Attitude Shapes What You Notice

SPEAKER_02 4:40

don't I don't cop to the fact that there's something wrong with my approach. I just try harder and try and tweak it, try and adjust the percentages, right? Maybe if I'm a little sweeter, I'll get what I want. Maybe, maybe if I'm a little rougher or more direct, I'll get what I want. All reflections of self-will, right? And uh so we get to this point, or I got to this point, most of you, but just wasn't working anymore. And the blessing is in most of us here are in recovery. So people listening at home, it doesn't matter if you're in recovery or not. But what I have to be able to do is assess my life and say, how's this working? And that requires a level of honesty that I don't have. I don't have that for me until I'm brought to my knees and I don't have another single option. So honesty is the beginning of this. I've got to be able to be honest with myself about me, which is hard because if you're if you're coming from an addiction platform, um one of the hallmarks for that is delusion. I'm deluded, I think. I'm empirically right about everything, and everyone else is wrong about everything, and I just can't find the right combination of toughness and manipulation to get what I want. So the honesty brings me to a point of I don't know. Now I'm entering a realm of humility. I'm going, okay, what do you got? Trevor, what do you do? Kim, Paul, what do you do? Chris, what do you do? Kirsten, what do you do? Susan, what do you do? And I become teachable to a degree. That honesty breaks through the conditioned responses, the delusion, and the humility comes forward because if I can't admit that I need help, I can't admit there's a problem, there's no solution for that. But if I admit there's a problem and believe I don't have the solution, now I'm looking, now I'm searching, now I'm thinking. That's the humility. I become more teachable. I'm not saying I'm 100% teachable now, but I become teachable. I'm searching now, 11th step. I'm seeking to find solutions to the problem. And out of that, a mysterious thing happens. Willingness. Willingness. Where did that come from? That didn't come from me. That didn't come from my self-reliance or my my the power of my mind and my will. It came through me because I wasn't willing. I wasn't willing in the beginning of this at all. I was barely willing to admit that I was had a problem. Then the big breakthrough was, oh, it's powerless. Oh, that's a whole new idea because that wasn't in my my paradigm growing up in the first 30 years, right? So this is this willingness. You everyone here that works with alcoholics or addicts or Aladons or anyone's just human beings, pastoral care, right? Uh, I have to get to the point where I can get you some solution. And it's it's the willingness to try the thing you've never tried, that's the magic. That's the that's the entry point of the divine for me. I become willing to do things I was never willing to do. And I got results that I didn't think were possible. And I started having experiences, both positive and negative. So when I did some of these things the way I was instructed to do them, I had effects that were that were more creative, that were more beneficial to me and the people around me, and more pleasant to experience. And when I didn't, I had the opposite. So I've got these three things going: honesty, humility, and willingness, but I don't have a plan. I don't have a direction. And for us, that's what the 12 steps

Honesty Humility Willingness As Fuel

SPEAKER_02 9:10

are. They're your plan, there's your direction. Get on board. It's really simple, really easy questions. Do you believe or you don't believe? That's a yes or no. It's not a oh, let me come back to you on that. I'll consider it. No, no, no, no. So now we got a plan. Here's an attitude change. The attitude is why can't I catch a break? Why is everyone always trying to get trying to undermine what I'm doing? Why, why, why, why, why? The victim stuff, right? Now, when I come from lack, when I come from fear, everything is a problem or a potential problem. Because that's my approach. My approach is, my attitude is, I'm not safe, so look out for things that can hurt you, potentially or in real time, right? So I have to change that. And this sounds simple, but it took it took a long time, and I don't know what a long time is, but it took years before I could see these things that I call problems as opportunities. And it's it happens when you stop living in the three dimensions and you start living in the fourth dimension, the spiritual dimension. And that evolves with your concept of the creator, the higher power, whatever, right? And so over time, these shifts are happening. They're not happening because I'm working on a shift, they're happening because I'm working on things that I can see. And while I'm doing that, whatever you want to call God is coming in the back door and rearranging the furniture for me. And all of a sudden I'm, ah, I have a breakthrough, right? Not a problem, an opportunity. If it's everything's an opportunity, then I don't have a problem. I just have a learning session. Life is the teacher, I'm the student. And now what is it being asked me to learn? And now we get to the problem. It's asking me to learn patience. Oh, because I'm impatient. That's a lower principle. Patience is a higher principle. It's asking me not to be judgmental, that's a lower principle. It's asking me to be understanding, tolerant, loving, kind, charitable. Oh. And then, of course, the beast box of that. I don't want to be loving and kind. Okay. Because you're a jerk. Well, you may be a jerk and you may not be, but here's another attitude change. Is that person really a jerk? How could I possibly know? I don't have enough information to judge you. I don't have enough information to judge the situation in front of me. Because I'm doing it on my senses, sight, smell, taste, hearing, touch, and my history. And I don't do it consciously. The brain just does it automatically. It compares what appears to be going on with what happened in the past, and they go, Oh, that's what it is. That's what's going on. I don't know that. And back to you, the person who's irritating the hell out of me. Here's a fact. Everybody has a story. And I don't know your story. And when I run across people that appear to be in a place that I think is less than admirable, I have no idea. If I have their same story, I might be doing exactly the same thing they're doing. I might react exactly the same way or worse. So this is this is all a change in attitude and approach. And the blocks to that are my history and my fear. The future projection in the past. And most of my past, I have created my own version of this. You know, my history is my interpretation of what happened. It's not the truth necessarily. And an evidence of that, I don't know if any of you had a ever had any family reunions with your siblings. I got three siblings. We're sitting around the kitchen table at Christmas or something, and we're talking about our experience with our mom, for instance. And uh and uh it sounded like we lived in four different houses. It sounded like we had four different sets of parents. And my mom was walking by, we're talking about when she would hit us. And you know, and she broke a brush on me. She broke a bunch of vessels in her wrist hitting me, and she goes, Look what you did to me. And we're having this conversation. She goes by and she goes, I never hit you kids. You know, that's the way it is. We create the reality, but we didn't do it consciously. Now we can consciously create a

Problems as Opportunities Plus Community

SPEAKER_02 14:10

new reality based on higher principles, right? And and build learning, building new neuropathways, building new responses, new uh new experiences, right? So that's what I want to talk about a little bit about attitude and and and uh the other thing that's important about this, I think, is we don't do this solo. We don't just do this at home, sitting on a chair reading a bunch of books. That's part of what we might be doing, the seeking part. But we do it in community. The community is a place where you're safe, where you belong, where you feel at home. Most for most of us for that is is uh your home group or your sponsor, the first sponsor you had that you had really honest, really honest with. What is that about? It's a place where I can go that I won't feel judged, I won't be shamed, I won't be ostracized for my experience or my thinking. It's a place where I am accepted for who and what I am, or to know. That's home, that's belonging. That most of us don't have that at all. We have to go find it somewhere else, create it somewhere else, right? And that's what we do, and that's what's happening in those meetings. You find a good meeting, you hunker down in that meeting, and over the years, that meeting feeds you, and you feed it. And we grow together and we love each other. No matter how messed up we are, it's okay. It's okay. Someone does a confession, I've been drinking, or I've been smoking pot. No one says, Well, get the hell out of here. We don't want you here. No, I go, Oh man, that's okay. Come here, let's talk, right? Let's talk. Do you want some help with that? Do you have some help with that? Do you have a sponsor? Can I help you? Can I have your phone number? No. Well, can I give you mine? Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, you got a phone list. Take the phone list, and I'll check some names for you that are good for you to call. Okay. So that's what we're doing. And it has to be a persistent, consistent effort. That is the best I can do. So persistence and consistency in the beginning was not very high. But as long as we're doing the best we can do with the consciousness that we have, my experience is God will bless it. Meaning that I'll be allowed to sit around and suffer in my own crap long enough to get to the next level and find the next person that's going to help me. It's not uh, God will not do for me what I can do for myself. But God will hold me and protect me till I get there, right? So, some thoughts, some attitude. So, to open this up, what have I learned about my attitude, about humility, about honesty, about willingness lists? What's my experience

Reframing Labels and Self-Definition

SPEAKER_02 17:20

with that? And uh you're now gonna share it with 59 countries and 907 cities. So proceed to save your brothers and sisters. If you're listening on your device, nothing's wrong. They're just deciding who's gonna go first.

SPEAKER_05 17:48

I'll start. Good evening. I'm uh Chris. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Chris. How does that as you were giving your presentation? It reminded me of um an experience I had with a priest who was also up a certified graphologist. He could read uh I guess your brain, the way that it operated by your handwriting. He was meeting with a group of us, and I knew he was a graphologist, so when I was filling up my my questionnaire for him, I printed everything. And um he was still able, he says, You just made it harder for me. But one of the things he told me was, you have a tendency to be selling pencils when you ought to be selling real estate. And when people would make comments years later about efforts I was putting into things, I would bring that up. And they said, You're not letting that define you, are you? And I said, What do you mean? It might you might reframe that and say, I have been selling pencils when I should be selling real estate. You don't have to stay there, you can change, you can engage in other um other methods, other activities, and you can grow from that. It wasn't meant to say this is what you are, it was more this is what you have been, and use that as an opportunity to say, Oh, I should be selling real estate. Don't focus on the you have a tendency to sell pencils. So there are times when I've encountered difficulties where that second, you know, set of comments comes to mind, and I remind myself that I'm not wherever I find myself, I don't have to be stuck there. I can take an opportunity, whether it's questioning others who who know, um, who have other experiences, or you know, however I might do that. So um with that I'll pass. Thank you. Thanks, Chris.

SPEAKER_02 20:23

Go ahead, Heather. You're not gonna

When Fear Narrows Your Options

SPEAKER_02 20:30

go.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

It was me. I'm the one who said I'll go. Oh, Heather all the time. You can call me Heather if you want, I don't mind. I was I was just gonna kick us off by the thoughts that you said earlier about the alternative sort of dimension, and you were talking about our 3D world, and what helps me put into practice the alternative dimension of thinking like God's world is exactly that. It's like, okay, these problems or this suffering is is of man's world, and I can accept that, but I can look at it from a different dimension. And if I just stay on the beam and you know, what would Dolly do instead of what would Jesus do? That's my new expansion.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

What would Dolly do?

SPEAKER_00 21:26

What would Dolly do? Yeah. Um uh then I I hope I I aspire to have better outcomes, you know, and in general it works. You know, I've I've I'm old, so I've gotten the um opportunity and time to practice looking at things from a different way that helped me not suffer so much in this other dimension, the Dali dimension or God's world. And it it I had a wonderful experience in the last two weeks. Um, I guess it's about a Week old now, where um a pr a friend of mine was um frauded, if you want, if that's the word, if that's a verb, but um taking for a ride basically on an automobile purchase on Facebook Marketplace. And we started with compassion for you know to address this man's world problem, leading with compassion about why would this person need to do this? What was the inspiration for this person to because it's not personal, it's not about you, the person who is buying this car, it's not about you at all. It's all about him and why what was the inspiration for this? How desperate is he for money that he would basically it's a felony to provide a uh fraudulent title and Carfax Photoshopped, and they even spun back the odometer. Anyway, and the everything turned out so beautifully and so far beyond what us in our man brains, women brains in this case could have suspected. I won't go into all the details, but um it it just like she she took the the steps that are available to her. Go to the Secretary of State, go to the police, you know, stake your claim, do what you need to do for yourself to be a responsible grown-up. And then as things unfolded, it just unfolded way better than the original transaction. And they've been to the mechanic. This car is actually a great vehicle, even though it was a salvage title that was not revealed, a bunch of stuff, right? But I'm marveling personally at the phone call I got and and how to bring this woman from utter shame and sorrow, and like she'd just been the rug was ripped out from under her, to thinking about it in a different way. And um got a phone call from her today, and she's just like, I had to call you because you wouldn't believe what just happened, and on and on and on. The details aren't that important, but it was a it was a resolution to a problem that neither of us could have orchestrated, and we were in entire belief that the universe has her back, creator had her back, and um it it all turned out just beautifully, and she still has the car, she's got a clean title and license plates now, and um, it's not as bad of a deal as it certainly looked, uh you know, um from the start. And um anyway, when I look back at these beautiful last years of my sobriety and see where I was put into practice looking at things in a different way, not from this just earthly plane kind of stuff, it it's amazing to me how instantly the suffering is less, but also if we just stay on the beam and don't try to manipulate or go with anger or operate from fear, stuff happens that you just can't even imagine what happened. The outcomes are just so much greater. And I just see a direct line with the creator having our back or universe or whatever you want to call that, which has put us here with so much love and so much support, and only wanting for us our highest good. And I'm not saying it's a transaction, I'm just saying that when we are there for each other, that's the thing, that's the juice, man. You know, and uh anyway, that's uh that's where I'll pass. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

You know, thank you. You you mentioned a thing that I've discovered too, about when we're looking at what we call a problem, we've got a very finite set of options for resolution. This is how I think this should go. And now I'm looking at everything through a straw, right? And I had a I had a moment many years ago, I was riding my bike around the lake, and I was uh all torn up about some problem. And I couldn't figure out where to go, what to do. And this voice came into my head and said, You can't even imagine the possibilities. And the whole thing just dropped away because I can't. When I'm afraid, when I'm looking from that self-centered, self-willed, self-reliant place, I've only got a couple three outcomes that are acceptable. So I'm trying to get everything to conform to those outcomes, and I can't see the answers rolling down the road right across the street from me, right? Anyway, yeah, who else? That's good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 26:44

Andy, I'm an alcoholic.

Resentment Reveals Shame and Agenda

SPEAKER_02 26:45

Andy.

SPEAKER_04 26:47

Uh, this is a great topic. Um yeah, I was reading, I've been re-rereading a Seven Laws of Spiritual Success Chopra book. This and this morning I saw that. It said every every problem is an opp is is a seed of opportunity. Um, and when we can see it like that, change our perception, then the mystery, the wonder of life opens up. And I have one of those, an interesting one today, where Leah's got a stress fracture in her foot, so she can't drive. Problem. Uh opportunity. I've she started back meetings at work, and Victoria goes with last week, so I get to drive them to school and pick them up every day, get an extra half hour each way with them in the car. Then I go today to pick them up. Pull up in the front. You can't double park in front of the school, they're not out front. I'm like, oh, so I gotta circle the block. And I'm the whole time thinking, like, what the hell? You know, I I shared my ETA, they knew I was coming, they saw on the map. Why can't we be outside? They get in the car and kind of said, Hey, what happened? You know, starts to explain this as, you know, I'm doing the best I can with with this, you know, trying to make the best of what where the opportunity came for me big time was resentment, annoyed, right? Why am I and it was that pause of okay, I'm annoyed, not out front. What does it affect? And it's always self-esteem, even in a case like that. And what dawned on me for the first time, I really think ever. The big resentments are the easy ones to unpack. Those little annoyances, why am I pissed off about this? Self-esteem. Shame says it's self-centered becomes about me. They're not respectful enough towards me to be able, and it's like something a flaw in me. Seems like a problem. And before I probably would have said that, ah, damn it. Why did I instead pretty quickly can say, Wow, what a gift to be able to see that, to be able to change how I approach it going forward, to know that for 48 years I've gotten annoyed with little things, and I've no clue that it was something way deeper than than being a couple minutes a minute late. Oh, it's that shame thing, which I now get to heal at a deeper level. I get to I get to look for an opportunity the next time I get to say what I told them. Take your time. We're doing your best. If I gotta wait, I gotta wait. This is I love having this time together. And that's the real, the bigger one is like the problem, me, the opportunity, man. The inventory allows for a change in what this is, and and to be able to intervene on that before it becomes, you know, a real thorn to my side. That's exciting.

SPEAKER_02 29:30

We all have this agenda, and we aren't always aware of it. Um, I had one of those just the other day with Miles, our son, he's 19, and we got a technical problem here. The internet was down, and I got classes to do and stuff, and and uh called my tech and and he could come out, but we were we were gonna be gone all afternoon at doctor stuff. So I went into the bedroom. I asked, I said, Miles, will you uh can you hang out here and wait for this tech? And he goes, I'm going to the fair with my girlfriend. And I went, thanks. And then I walked out and I came back in. Sorry, my my bad. But it just happened so fast, right? And so I talked to the tech, and he's the guy I know him. So it was resolved. The way it was resolved is I said, I'm gonna leave the house open. If you get hit before we do, just do the job. And he didn't, he was gone by the time we got home. So I have this idea, the beast has this idea of how everything is supposed to go and what everybody's supposed to do, and when they're supposed to do it, and how they're supposed to do it, and what they're supposed to say, and it's just not real. And so we bump up against that, and we we call it. You're irritating me. No, I'm irritating me. I'm irritating me with my I get my agenda and my ideas. That's great. So human, you know. Richard Roar, one of his favorite quotes of his that I like is I need one good humiliation every day. Just to keep growing and keep going.

SPEAKER_11 31:13

Who else? Hey

Wobbling Forward Through Love and Service

SPEAKER_11 31:25

everybody, I can go.

SPEAKER_06 31:27

Um hi Roger, thanks, thanks for uh the topics tonight, and uh I appreciate everybody's share so far. Uh it's really hitting it's all really hitting home for me. Um you know, that idea of attitude and willingness, and um for me lately, I've been uh wobbling on the beam, I think, uh for about the past, I don't know, four weeks, and there was something that set it off family-wise. And you know, just what I'm finding is it it continues to resurface and it's it's definitely affecting my attitude. And so it it really makes me, you know, think about what what we're talking about tonight and you know what's what's in my thought, what are in my thought patterns, what's what's showing up. Um and I, you know, Andy, I like I really like what you said in terms of you know, understanding it at a deeper level, which is shame and and uh you know just those minor irritations and how they can kind of continue to stay infected and then it just bleeds into to other things. And and um so you know, it's first for me it's the recognition. And uh if I didn't have you know this this group and and you know other support, you know, to to Roger's point earlier, it just it would it would remain unexamined and just continue to faster. It's you know, it's not very fun um in you know the process, but I I I think what's what's different about this particular situation is I'm recognizing it for what it is. And although it's not you know not fading as fast as I'd like it to, um at least I can recognize it and speak about it to others and share it with the group and um you know not just ignoring it and trying to replace it with with other things. So I guess there's there's the willingness there, and that's that's what's keeping me on the beam, albeit I'm a little wobbly. Um and then I just kind of, you know, another way that I can I guess process it is the seeking piece. And there are some just a couple paragraphs that I read today in regards to, you know, what am I what am I replacing? Um what am I replacing or attempting to replace those those thoughts with the negative thoughts or the the shameful thoughts? Um and just one paragraph out of what I caught today was the thing for you to do is to fill your own heart with love by thinking it, feeling it, and expressing it. And when this sense of love is vivid enough, it will heal you and solve your problems, and it will enable you to heal others too. That is the law of being, and none of us can change it. That's pretty cool. Um, and it's not, you know, I'm not getting love, I'm giving love. Um, and that's that's the difference. That's the big that's the big pivot for me. So thanks everybody. That's all I got.

SPEAKER_02 35:01

Thanks, Paul. When we study the sacred texts and the the mystics, the teachers, there's one message that they all carry love and service. Love and service. The door Paul's gonna walk through eventually is forgiveness, and that's gonna free him up. But this is an idea that I really hated when it was introduced to me. Nobody can do anything to you, no situation can do anything to you, no person can do anything to you without you giving them permission. And I'm not gonna have it, I'm not gonna let you own me, I'm not gonna let that fear own me. So we have a process for that. We genify it. We go through it and we hand it off. It doesn't matter if I'm wobbling, I'm wobbling forward. That's what learning is. You know, it takes time to get through some of this stuff, but the lessons are there, and it always comes back to love and service for my fellows, for you, not for me. And because of that, that we sew in taking care of each other, my cup runneth over. I'm totally fed, I'm totally satisfied. So who else? Thank you, Paul.

SPEAKER_03 36:23

Who was that? Um I p the uh I've never run into a problem where I've said to myself, oh boy, I got another growth opportunity. Although you know, in retrospect, once you go through the once I go through the pain, that's where the growth comes. You know, if I never had a problem, I wouldn't be an AA. I wouldn't uh you know, I wouldn't have the opportunity to grow, but the process kind of sucks, the pain as you're going through it. Right. And the other thing I just want to talk, talk a little bit, touch base about is attitude. You know, and this was subconscious that I had a confirmation bias when I had the attitude life sucks. I go looking for the evidence that confirms life sucks. And now that I have the awareness of uh attitude and and uh what I can do, what I can change is I can start looking for the opposite, confirming the positive, um and having a positive attitude, and then looking for evidence that confirms and supports that. So you know I have a choice now, or before I didn't, because I was totally unaware of what was going on with the confirmation bias. I'll pass. Thanks, Pete. Good to see you.

SPEAKER_02 37:53

Thanks. And it's a big difference between why is this happening to me and what is this trying to teach me? What is this trying to show me? And I move out of this victim idea into a learning posture, a student posture, yeah. Hi

New Operating System With Tenth Step

SPEAKER_02 38:36

I know I recognize you.

SPEAKER_06 38:42

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

Um I'm Susan, I'm an alcoholic. Um this is just it's just everything. And so it's hard to even share on the topic of attitude because it's like it's everything. Um every single thing. It's my life. My um attitude determines my life. It it changes my course. It it um it gives me direction. But if you know, the awareness is the first part, is like I have to be aware that I have um a choice in how I respond and how I react. And that that um stepping back and and examining, doing uh doing the little inventory, but but to have the courage, I have to have that ingredient. I have to have courage to to take the step forward and be willing to look at what's disturbing me and all the problems going on in my life. And um because the current I mean, the courage is I I may be afraid of what I'm gonna see and what I'm gonna find. And um and it's all because my operating system has been um really outdated, and it's based on things and and situations and experiences that I had when I was in a different place in my life at a different age, in a different, in a different, completely different situation. And so my operating system, um, I pull it out to respond to um whatever is happening around me. And my response, it's like I hit the the shift key, but I should have hit the alt key. Um it's like it's like nothing ever turns out um the way I want when I'm when I'm operating out of this old um operating system. And so the courage to examine and to and bring and to be brave enough to um be willing to look at it uh is is the first part. And and like Roger talked about the willingness um for that introspection. And then and then I have to have the honesty to first I have the courage, and then I have to have the honesty to to look at what's going on and um figure out um an interpretation of what's going on. Um and I have to find new tools to do that when I when I first came into um sobriety. I really just thought that the world was a problem out here and um and that power that I was definitely was acting as if I was the power and and I um responded, I reacted to everything going on around me um as if I had no power or control over um my behavior um or my feelings or my responses. And um it's a helpless way to live. And so when I find these tools of um first figuring out that my problem is totally in my thinking, that my mind is my problem, and that that it's so much of it is lying to me. And that old operating system really um had a lot of false beliefs and false ideas and um and wacky principles. And so when I look at look at the world now through a different lens, through through an operating system that that can distinguish and decipher and um what's true and what's not true, it changes all of my reactions and my responses to what's going on around me by just looking at what are the facts and what is the truth. Like, because so much of the world, I'm running through this operating system and I'm going through this interpretate interpreting through this uh filter that is um inserting lies and and assumptions and um and wacky ideas based in my character defects and based in on all of my attachments. And and so once I have the awareness of that, it's um it's so freeing to be able to respond to a disturbing situation um with an open mind and the clarity of not coming at it with that those old tools of operating. And now I have to filter it through these higher principles. Um, it makes a world of a difference because I mean, just like the book says that like whenever I'm disturbed, it's I'm the problem, right? I'm I'm the problem that I'm disturbed. It's interesting. I had a um just right before this, I had a sponsee that texted me a screenshot of a a back and forth between her ex and and her. And he made some, you know, they're sharing custody and he made a comment. It was just a sentence, are you ready for the weekend? Because she has the kids this weekend. And and she's so she sent it to me and said, What does he mean by this? I'm like, well, maybe just are you ready for the weekend? Like, like I mean, I don't, you know, I I can imagine all the the weird wacky things she's using. based on the the past and the history of their relationship and the and her other relationships and and the fact that she just got out of a uh treatment program and so she's assuming all these things and those assumptions are what what kills me the lies and the assumptions and so and so then um he didn't respond when she went um when she asked him why and so so then she sent me back another screenshot um when he replied well are you set are you all set for the weekend with the kids there aren't any sports this weekend so she wrote off the deep end trying to figure out what his meaning is behind that and and so I I we went to the big book and we looked at the 10th step and we looked at these are the little four little steps I take every time I'm disturbed out here. First I pray God remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be. I can tell that I'm upset so she's fearful that he's um and her self-esteem is is affected because he she thinks he's um dissing her abilities um and he's um bringing up her past inability to to be the mom she wanted to be because of her drinking and so um so by going through that process with her and she could see that there wasn't any map there may have been some negative ill will meant but it was not written it was not uh in the communication at all she just assumed it and so when she could step back and strip it back and and look at it and then and then we did the remove my fear and direct my attention to what she would have me be. So now she realizes what the problem is in her and knows that it's she's got a problem then she wants to see how am I going to show it now. So um we just that you know went to compassion we went to love we went to kindness we went to gratitude we went to um all these things and so um what we came up with was thanks so much for considering my schedule and um and I know that or you know that I'm working on my sobriety and that I'm putting that before everything else. So I appreciate you checking with me and and it was really considerate of you to be concerned about my ability to handle it. And I'm really looking forward to having the kids this weekend. And that is like the furthest thing from the response she would have sent if she hadn't done what the little 10 step says to do, which is talk to someone immediately. So when she's disturbed and the 10 step says talk to someone immediately and she did and I put on the different pair of glasses for her and we walked through it and she feels lighter and she feels really pleased with the communication it gave her another chance to show how I am an example of how she's going to be showing up going forward and in the future based in her new recovery and her new operating system. So I just love that little recent example of just how this works. I mean it just works every time I I have a choice in my attitude and um my favorite definition of attitude is a settled way of thinking or feeling about something that is followed by action. I don't just it's just like the decision I don't just make a decision I have to follow through my actions um have to um mimic what my attitude is my my thinking and my actions have to align um so that I can move forward and grow and keep um improving my operating system okay Susan anyone else Roger I'm Doug I'm an alcoholic hey Doug boy a lot of identification in this one uh it goes back a while back to when I was a young kid nothing is ever good enough

Escaping Not Enough and Needing Applause

SPEAKER_01 48:10

I was never good enough what I did was never good enough so to in my mind change all of that I have to do things sooner than anybody better than anybody longer than anybody as an example I've used this before but it was true at the age of 10 I'm in the field on the farm following my brother around with my own tractor at 10 years old still wasn't good enough I need bells and whistles I need a lot of feedback saying boy you are really good at 16 years old I'm working at a radio station you know this is home sweet home for somebody with a bad ego or no ego at all because that's an ego business.

SPEAKER_07 49:03

The bells aren't loud enough the sirens aren't loud enough the lights aren't loud enough not good enough yet maybe if I try television how about that you know they can see my face maybe it will give me bigger bigger attention so we go to television do pretty good job by the way you know the ratings come in they're pretty good not good enough not good enough it took me a long time in fact it wasn't until I started sobering up to know that I was I guess living in a chaos world and that I had to change how I thought about me and about other people uh the the that whole feeling of less than and then it was up to the world and up to the people in the world to make me feel better. I will marry just the right woman she will make me feel good. I'm not responsible for feeling good. I'm not responsible for feeling okay where it comes from I don't know but I can I know this through the process of getting sober I remember being told Doug you can feel as alone or lonely or angry or resentful as you want to be until you want to change. And it wasn't until I caught on I guess is the best way to say it this idea of changing the way I thought and be willing to look at some ways of doing things new to come to the understanding that if the God of this universe at least my universe kind of put some things in my way that were good for me that I decided I'm the one that created that therefore it's really really good which is a bunch of BS because it didn't turn out that way. You know this idea of holding resentments against other people because they didn't treat me well makes me their slave. They can turn me and twist me in any different way they want to I'm not in charge of how I feel it's up to them or up to that thing or up to this thing that goes on back there. And I I hope I'm forever grateful for every meeting that I go to at AA that opens my mind and provides me with these ideas that I may have had before but forgot about them that says hey you got to be responsible for yourself in every way and the God of your understanding will take care of you as long as you say hey give me a hand God you know I I need it I need how to learn to live this life that you give me rather than uh and I mentioned this earlier to Roger to say this this term of lonely arrogance you know I'm responsible for everything good that ever happened into my life that's not true.

SPEAKER_08 52:32

I guess I was there when uh I was there and able to accept what happened when my higher power decided yeah it's time for you to have some of that uh but yeah what a topic thank you thanks Doug thanks Doug you know the the theme that's one of the themes that's running through here is I'm not enough and when you externally referred you're always asking people in the world to tell you who you are will you tell me who I am will you tell me I'm good enough and because I'm always coming from shame and fear even when you give me the applause they go yeah that's nice but it's not quite nice enough I'll need it I'll need a a little more a little louder please right a little bright I like backlighting you know it's ridiculous but I can't see it until it bankrupts me yeah yeah the irony is it's never enough exactly oh thank you who else Tom I can hear you thinking well I really am just really beautiful and Doug I identified you were speaking my my story I guess I get a couple of things one that uh I love what it reminded me of a Wayne Dyer book and I think what he said a couple years ago was change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. I thought that was so cool that Andy's getting pissed off about picking up his wife and his beautiful wife and his child driving around the block and he shifted from getting angry to like wow I get to be with my beautiful wife and my beautiful daughter it's like that was miraculous and um yeah just you what would you all say but just what just what Doug said probably the greatest thing that ever happened to me in to me in my life was hitting bottom and know that I I I just couldn't I couldn't drink any it was a great gift but I could not control drinking. And I tried to control it for you know 40 or 50 years thought I was controlling it. Nothing was ever kept you know driving forward nothing was ever really good enough and maybe you get drunk and get get numb and that's but as as bad of a time as that was to really really hit bottom like wow how can I speak to others that that's one of the greatest times in in your life or in my life you can hit bottom rather than keep them slipping and sliding through and in and out of sobriety through through life there's a chance to be there's a chance to really get to to know God and know that and yeah it's so great and I hope that I really hope to say to say that I love what you said Doug it's humility I I that would probably would not have been some time ago one of my greatest attributes I was not a very a man of great humility and I thought that was it was it was all about me look what I did look at my stats blah blah blah blah blah but it's just I'm so grateful for um I just just didn't and uh when I finally said I can't do this maybe one of the first things in my life I said I can't do it like wow there's so many things that have opened up in my life as a result of sobriety and uh I was I was in a situation we're in a particular restaurant and I looked at all the wine list and I looked at all the drinking and said oh my god you know I said I could fall right back into it but then I went right to oh my god just the the guilt the shame for myself and um that's what keeps me on the the straight straight and narrow straight and narrow so yeah it's really great what you said being honest and it's a story I love I love the point about story and I and I'll wrap it up it which is really I really get we all have stories and we make them up and they're all on top of these just beautiful loving fun beautiful playful little kids and we make a story up on top of it to keep us separate and apart or at least that's we're really all we want to do is just be that little child and know that God loves us and we love each other and we can be we have the gift of um presence and I know I've said it many times tell people wow now that I'm sober I said I'm really present and I and my wife reminded me she says I sometimes you say that I don't think people know what the heck you're talking about. Like you're right there they see that you're there but that's a sense of presence which allowed me to hear everything everybody said tonight like in an in a in a whole new way it's just just a wonderful gift.

SPEAKER_09 57:29

So thank

Third Step Prayer and Goodnight

SPEAKER_09 57:30

you I'm thank you Tom we got time for one more come on bring it home to add present and point time they don't have to know what the present means I have to know what it means so let's say good night and I'll see in a couple of weeks you want to close with a prayer unmute yourself how about the third step prayer okay okay three two one God I offer myself to build with you and do what you all stuff will leave me at the body take away my take away my difficulty with Mr.

SPEAKER_02 59:09

Thank you good gathering thank you everybody thanks everyone see you in a couple weeks