#105 Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace - the unmerited gift. Where there is Grace there is Mercy  - a reprieve "I didn't get what I deserved."  I cant see the how or why, but where I am left is an undeniable experience of transformation, humility and gratitude.  Now what are you going to do with it?This also includes a robust group discussion, join us wont you!

Transcript

Grace As Unmerited Gift

Science, Life Force, And The Pulse

Cell Renewal And Mystery Of Design

Disconnection: Fear, Shame, Dualism

Forgiveness And The Rubber Band Metaphor

Steps, Surrender, And Letting Go

Staying Connected And Ego’s Lures

Basement To Light: Choosing Alignment

SPEAKER_03 0:04

Welcome to the gathering. If you're listening online, um at the bottom of the description of the talk is a link you can click on to uh join us and support the effort here. For those of you that are new here, we're in uh 58 countries and territories, about eight, nine hundred cities. It varies from week to week. And uh we're about we're over 10,000 downloads. So you guys are doing something right, keep doing it. I'll just start start the car and you guys drive. Okay, so this is what I'm thinking about a lot today is grace, the unmerited gift. Okay. But I got into some readings with with a couple of sponsees, and you know, there's so many of us that struggle with this identity or concept of a higher power, a creator, God of our understanding, whatever you call it, is irrelevant. But you have to find a way to call it. And the grace, grace is a perfect example, it's a mystery. Why did I get the gift of being able to be miserable for years and not blow my brains out and then be miserable in my early recovery because I was obstinate and closed-minded. I didn't feel like I was being held in grace. But that time period, because I did not hurt myself or anyone else or kill myself, was a purification process. And the pain is a purifier, it's like a crucible. We sit in there with our argument, with our with our stuck in this, and uh it ends up it was all a gift. Because when I ask, I know I've done this a long time, and there's so many people that come and go. There's so many people that come and don't make the turn. There's so many people that come and die. It's just so many people, and the fact that we're sitting here, the 13 of us, and we're reasonably sane, reasonably healthy, and in the game is amazing. Because I'm sure everybody on the in this meeting knows people that haven't made it. Haven't made it. So why me? Why you? What is that? What is that? And so that led me to some other things. And uh here's an interesting one. This is out of Eric Butterworth's power within you. I'm just I'm not gonna read a lot, but I'm gonna read some because this is interesting. So we're talking always with our steps. The process is to become into alignment with a higher authority, a God of our understanding, a higher power, higher set of principles, whatever you want to call it. And then when we come into that alignment, our consciousness is elevated. We see the world differently, we be in the world differently, we act differently, right? The problem is how do we get out of the basement? How do we get out of the darkness? So here's a a bit of science, which is always good for the skepticals. So, from science today, we're getting some exciting insights into the whole person. We're coming to see that the mind is more than a brain, that the heart cannot beat without life. To make it beat, and there is something non-material that determines and guides the cell renewal process, something non-material. A scientist can't say it's God, but what what do you what do you demise from that, right? So there's a film, it's called Oh, wait a minute, I think I skipped something here. We have to have the heart cannot beat without life to make it beat. And there is something non-material that determines and guides the cell renewal process. In a film entitled The Development of the Chick, we see the egg in the process of incubation. We see a strange pulsation commence in the yoke. It's the beating of the heart before there's any heart to beat. The energy, the life force, the creator. There's a pulse before there's a heart. And then the heart is manifest because the pulse draws the elements of the heart to it. We see a strange pulsation coming into the heart, it's the beating of the heart before there is any heart. And then before our eyes, we see the embryo form, and a heart takes shape and take up the beat that came first. There's an evidence that even more significant than the physical egg is the non-material force that is the pattern from the pattern from which the chicken, the whole chicken develops. So there's a doctor, Lewis Schreiber, a patiatrist, a podiatrist, a foot doctor. He says it this way the electromagnetic body, that's electric and magnetic body, composed of, is not composed of any cellular substance, but cellular substance is attracted to it. And each cell falls into proper place in deadly accuracy. The same is true with your non-material thoughts. When my thoughts are lack, limited, and fear-based, I draw more of that energy to me. You get the idea. And with those thoughts and ideas, manifest relationships with people, with things, I see things differently. I be in the world differently. The pattern is a distinct entity that undergoes little change throughout life. With with the cells that fill out the physical form are transitory and constantly replaced, it molds and fashions the organism after a specific predetermined pattern. And DNA can have no influence in altering the form, but must follow faithfully each minute tracing on the path, thus constantly recreating the organism. This thing about cell replication, I looked it up because we get new cells being regenerated, regenerated all the time, right? And so here's a the stats I got from the scientists. Stomach lining replaces every two to nine days to survive the constant exposure to stomach acid. Skin, the epidermis, two to four weeks. It's your primary shield against the outside. Well, red blood cells, every four months or so, they travel about 300 miles through the veins and before wearing out. Your liver. Our livers are a little different. Um, one to one and a half years. The liver has incredible regenerative powers to filter toxins. Your skeleton, your bones, 10 years, constantly being remodeled by specialized cells, muscles, 15 years, muscle fibers are sturdy, but eventually succumb to wear. So what it's saying is essentially about every seven to ten years, I get a new body. That's mysterious, is it not? It means the cells have intelligence and they respond to direction, but it's not my direction. It's the direction of the thing that created it, the life force, God, if you will, right? What a beautiful, beautiful package we are. We have all this stuff, it happens automatically. We don't have to think about it, we have to do anything about it. So this alignment thing, what disconnects me from the higher self, the higher principles, the God that I've come to understand in my uh wanderings. What cuts that off is the negative, fear and shame primarily, versions of fear and shame. I'm not safe and I'm unlovable, right? And that's the disconnect. The disconnect is when I get into the dualistic world, good, bad, right, wrong, the world of opposites. We're trying to live from a non-dualistic place in a dualistic environment, which takes practice, one, yes, and it takes community. That's what we're doing, to share the experience and be affirmed and reinforced because there's no affirmation for it out in the culture, right? So it's all mystery. Metaphorically, if you put a rubber band around your finger, this is about forgiveness. We talked about that last time. But the forgiveness is always there, just like the comfort is always there, the affirmation is always there, the God is always there, the grace and the mercy are always there. I'm not always present to it. Okay, so metaphorically, if you put a rubber band around your finger and leave it there, the finger starts to swell up and turn colors, right? And then when you take the rubber band off, the life force just flows back into the finger. There's no there's no qualification. God can't say no. There's no qualifier to it. It's just like it flows in. So I'm living in a in a uh in a dark place when I come in here. I was living in a dark place long before I drank. And then for a while, the drinking kind of liberated me, and then it became another newer, darker, deeper hell. And then there is nowhere to go, right? And that is did not feel like a wonderful moment or time period. It felt like the wheels have come off. I got to get to the point where I don't have any more ideas, because my ideas are what are killing me. And so I have to slowly open my mind to other possibilities. So we do that with the steps, they are what are doing that for us, right? Open your mind. The idea of powerlessness and unmanageability. You know why your life is unmanageable? Because you manage it, and that's why you need to find a power greater than yourself to co-create with you your new life. Because I have to, you have to, we have to process, we have to we have to cooperate with the process. God can't do anything with me without my permission. And that rubber band thing, that's a let-go metaphor. Just let go of the thing that's choking you off, and God will rush back into the void. It's always there. I didn't feel like it was always there, but when I look back, I can see how I was held when other people weren't, for whatever reason. And I think I was held for some future endeavors I was supposed to get involved in. But anyway, who knows? Right. But the mystery of it, the mystery of creation. The cells have intelligence, they know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Deepak Chopper talks about that with cancer. And he says, the way he interprets cancer is the cells have lost their memory and they've just gone nuts and they're just gobbling up everything around us, right? So I have to stay connected and find a way to stay connected. And the way I do that is I find out all the things I can that disconnect me. That's what your inventory process is. I'm finding a list of things that disconnect me. And part of that is that program for happiness thing we talked about, the ego, the false self is always looking for security, esteem, and power. Those are the three areas that the beast uses to tempt us, to drive us around. Think about it security, esteem, and power. So another idea of this flow is I'm in the basement, it's all dark. All I have to do is turn on the damn light. I have to flip the switch, I have to connect the circuit, and the light comes automatically. It doesn't say, have you said your prayers or you haven't prayed for a week? What are you doing? You're back behind on your inventory, you've been swearing, you've been whatever, right? It doesn't do that. It just comes and the light comes on because the power cannot not flow. God cannot say no. But I have to keep finding ways to say yes. And the way I find those ways is what blocks me. What blocks me from having that experience. So we're creating the image of our creator, and if that's true, we have everything that we need. The seed of everything we need and need to come to be is already in us. And because of the culture and our programming and and the families and the neighborhoods and the schools we've gone to, we've been programmed in a specific way to see and be in the world a specific way. And it did not serve us. It doesn't mean the world's bad, it means my relationship to it is not healthy. That's Jesus' rush, be in the world, but not of it, right? So here's what he says about that. You may be living in the basement of your house, uncomfortable, cold, cramped, and hampered by darkness, but there is still a whole house. I would not say that you're not cold or uncomfortable in your basement, but I could say that this condition can be changed. That's the hope for us. This can change if I will participate in the process of the change. That is that that there is a warm, comfortable, and well-lighted house that you can occupy right now if you get out of the basement. Get your thinking on a higher level, higher plan. Get out of the gutter. There's more to life than this experience. Open your eyes and see, open your mind and perceive. Realize that within you in the kingdom of heaven, within, there is power and life and substance that's sufficient to establish you in wholeness and an abundant living. So the things that hold us captive, most of those things are not real. They're historic, some of those are real, some of them are imagined. They're historical and they're futuristic. And all the futuristic stuff, all the fear has not happened. But when I believe in the appearance of things rather in the substance of things, I can get off track. And then I get disconnected, right? So I guess the topic is grace. What is your experience and understanding with it? And we'll open it up to your thoughts now.

SPEAKER_10 15:51

Thank you.

Opening Share: Chosen Yet Humble

SPEAKER_00 16:00

I'll go first. I'm Kirsten, alcoholic. And when you said grace, hi, um, right away I thought it's hard, you know. Our program relies, at least my program, I should say, relies on humility for me not to take my power back and drive the bus and and um create situations that are dissatisfactory and all that sort of thing. Because I just you know, I try for um humility. Like I'm not that special, but it's really hard when Roger started out the the talk about how special are we, how how blessed are we that we were given grace. When I certainly did not deserve it. What I deserved, I never got like 300 DUIs or something like that. You know, I I that unmerited gift of grace, and that I can sit here with you guys tonight and and be in recovery and be present to my family. And I and Raj is right, a lot of us don't make it. We either keep drinking or we die or we go to jail, right? So it's it's the paradox for me that's constantly bothersome is that I am chosen and I am held and yet remain humble, walk humbly with God, and He shall make the path straight and be on the watch for the path, you know, is where I'm at. And um, but I do feel very chosen because I don't think I am any better than those of us who you know have been to 12 12, you know what I mean, um, treatment centers or or tried many different ways of recovery. And I certainly don't think I'm any better than those guys, but somehow, somehow, I've been given this gift and um you're it. You know, without you guys, I certainly wouldn't be here. So anyway, Grace, gotta love it. Oh, and oddly, um, I never choose this mug, but I did tonight. So it's great. So anyway, that's a little gatherwing for me and a thought I'll pass. Right.

Receiving Grace And Feeling Fully

SPEAKER_03 18:08

You know, the grace, the unmerited gift, and mercy is I didn't get what I deserved. When I go work out in the prisons, when I used to work in the prisons, some of those guys are doing two life sentences, they're never gonna breathe free air. And when I poll that group, 100 convicts, and I say, How many of you committed your crime under the influence of or to get money for drugs and alcohol? 100% of the hands go up. 100%. And the only difference between them and me is they got caught. Humility, to your point, Kirsten. Anyway, who else? Good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_08 18:50

Melissa Alcoholic.

SPEAKER_03 18:52

Hi, Melissa.

SPEAKER_08 18:53

Hey guys, I feel the same way. I never got caught. Thank God. I mean, I got caught a couple of times, but it was not as bad as it could have been. Um, wholeness and abundant living and grace. Those are the things that really stood out to me tonight. And I really feel like it's it's amazing how you can be attracted to grace, peace, wholeness, abundant living. But then when you receive it, you don't know how to receive it. You it's it's so uncomfortable and overwhelming. And even just allowing yourself to uh like I had to suffer so bad to even get it. Like I wouldn't let myself get it until I was crippled by bodily pain from exposing myself to such stress and duress that um Vertigo was like knocking my butt down and saying, You're not gonna be able to live your life until you like surrender. And then once I was faced with receiving wholeness and abundant living and grace and mercy, I was so overwhelmed by the calmness of it, I didn't know what to do with it. It was it was so loudly empty that I didn't know what to do with it. It was so uncomfortably still that I didn't know what to do with it. So what I've been learning over the years is to um, I read a book called Um Uh Untethered Soul, which let me learn how to feel feelings without judging them, pushing them away, um trying to trying to manipulate them in any way. And I felt like I was being burned alive. It literally felt like I was being burned alive with feeling. And but after that cloud of fire passed through me, I felt lighter and a different version of myself than I that I never had met before. And every time I let myself feel these feelings that I've been holding back and not I not even allowing uh even come into my radar, like the more I let these old controlled, shoved-down ickiness feelings come and be the monster. Like I kind of kind of call it like the Ghostbusters, you know, how they put them in the vault and they close it up. I've been opening the vault, I've been letting the ghostbusters. out of the trap. And it's been scary. It's been almost like guttural scary. But it doesn't stay. It doesn't linger. It's hard. But then there's a new version of me, like a phoenix. Like something comes after that. That's that's what I've been hoping for my whole life. This grace, this mercy, this wholeness, this abundant living. It happens when I let myself feel the weight of of my experience of life and I unite myself with my higher power, which I didn't even know how to do that either. I had to have people like Roger and people at my church, like my priest at my church and Roger's wife, Susan, everybody that's come into my life in this program has helped me learn how to let my higher power love me. And when I hold on to that truth, capital T, while I experience those things. It's the most painful yet amazing experience I've ever had in my life. And the end result is a version of myself I've always hoped for. And and I just want to keep doing that for the rest of my life so that I can be free.

Passing It On: Practice Of Love

Family Triggers And Spiritual Fitness

SPEAKER_03 23:18

And with that I'll pass thanks Melissa you know you you were talking about the trouble I have receiving the grace, the mercy, the love that's that's on the macro, on the micro I have the same problem with a compliment from one of you a compliment or a nice email or because it's shame. Shame says I'm not worthy of this gift. And that's that shame gets resolved in self-forgiveness for me. But I have to understand the mechanism because it's not true. It's not true. And the other thing you said is when I I have this great gift bestowed on me grace, mercy, God's love if you will what do I do with it? I pass it on I pass it on in my relationships, in my conversations, in the people that come in and through my life. I share it. That's my practice love that's great. Thank you. Who else welcome Megan good to see you say how to Dave there's a lot of people thinking pretty hard here I can smell the wheels burning is it gonna be Andy or Tom first maybe it's Kathy maybe it's Doug I'm thinking I'm an alcoholic.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

Hi Steven here good to be here good to be sober and we're all witness we didn't drink or use today. Yeah you know I hadn't really thought about the disconnection from God the fear and shame aspect and the I'm not safe aspect but that's completely where it is for me. But when I when I read spiritual texts when I hang out with people in the program when I do the next right thing I'm very in tune to that but it seems to me I can become very disintuned to that with the people who are closest to me the people in my front row my wife my daughter you know I I can be very um I don't know what the word is uh accepting lenient of people perfect strangers who I don't even know but I'm not always that way with my family. And I don't know if that's the tapes that I hear from when I was growing up um because they are deeply embedded into my psyche. You're not good enough and uh just whatever. So I try not to pass that on to my family. I work very hard not to do that. But they have a tendency to push my buttons they really know how to get to me. So um but when I'm in a good spiritual space it's kind of like uh those things don't bother me as much but I can very easily slip out of that. So I have to work very hard on um on uh my spiritual fitness I'll guess but I guess that's all I have to say but it's great to see you Roger thanks.

SPEAKER_05 26:40

Thanks Steven good to see you too hey Roger thank you so much I apologize for for being late and I'm gonna have to jump off early as well um you know this idea of grace in my life right um it's not something that I was able to recognize unless it was retrospectively right um but looking at my journey I feel like God's love was always there that these gifts were were always um implanted in front of me I just wasn't ever awake enough to see them right or I had um my self-destructive tools of pride arrogance needing to be right um and it's like my hands were so full carrying those things I couldn't receive the the love of God that was poured out around me. And um but it's hard sometimes right especially when um I don't know uh when maybe there's someone you care about and uh and they're struggling with things and you see the same characteristics within them and you know that there's nothing that you can do and you want to shake them and tell them to you know um stop using their their defects to get their way and and just let things be. Someone in my life right now who um recently just went uh went back out and and they're drunk and they're drinking and um they're in a lot of pain but they don't want to come back to the rooms. And um you know I I see that happen a lot right and I hope that um I see so many miracles I get immune to them and I hope I never get immune to the grace of God that is always around me. I hope I don't take it for well I know I take it for granted um but I hope I can be present enough to at least see that gift in my life. So thank you.

Mortality, Lent, And What Matters

SPEAKER_03 28:44

Thanks Megan good to see you you know that uh not being able to feel the presence of the creator not being able to feel that grace right I'm not it I can't see it because I'm looking for my answers in the wrong place. I'm looking for the things that I think are gonna satisfy me, calm me down and give me purpose and direction out in man's world and they're all in here. They're all inside I gotta look inside and that's a scary place to go.

SPEAKER_02 29:22

Not a good neighborhood hey everybody hey Roger you know it's really um and I hope I say something worthwhile I've been thinking about you know I I haven't been thinking about grace but actually been thinking a lot about uh I wouldn't call it spiritual fitness but um actually I'm gonna have it I'm gonna have um surgery in a couple of weeks and um with the surgery and being a little bit older than the group and maybe if things don't work out all of a sudden you say you don't I wouldn't call it as someone just said I forgot who said it but spiritual fitness you really start thinking like hey if I'm gonna check out of here what's really important and then kind of the other stuff falls uh it kind of falls out of the way and yeah and I and it was a dear friend of mine a priest for we were friends he died a few years ago and when we talked about deserving and he said none of us deserve it but God loves us unconditionally and God never goes away we do I do you know I you know I'll and um I I you know and I love several of you said um the word humility has come up several times and I wouldn't say that was my my greatest strength is is humility you know I even I used to joke about I'm so proud of my humility you know I'm just but I so I I I've really been in the space of and particularly with um with Lent and and getting close but really in in particular in with respect to um hey if something doesn't particularly go right you know me I may not I may not be here and I I'm not saying I'm looking for pity or something but I you know I'll I'll be I won't be on the next call I'll be in surgery but after that I'll be back on the call God willing. But the point that I really got is what is the most important thing that I can do and the most important thing that I can do with the program with my sobriety and I've been given the gift of sobriety you know spent 50 years fooling around with it working on the edge I've been given a gift of sobriety now I have you know I I don't have the guilt and shame when I work wake up in the morning I really don't but then I think about going back to drinking is like wow that thank God that's that that comes up in a heartbeat and that's just that's too painful. But um yeah it's a beautiful place can't really put our hands on grace it's not like a a workout program but it's there and I think that's that's the most powerful really the most powerful thing that I get from AA it's really a gift everyone should should go through it whether they're drinking or drugging or anything it's just it's it's a gift it's an opening of our lives and it and and for me um it is grace. And I well I it is grace and um that's it no more spiritual uh fitness it's really got to get serious we're eventually we're all gonna leave and um so we've God gave us the gift of of sobriety and the gift of being here together. So I'm rambling but that's but but I hope that's so so thank you. I I look forward to this uh this time together with everybody that we so I'll I'll pass.

Caregiving, Serenity, And Next Right Thing

SPEAKER_03 33:10

You know you were talking about I have a life event coming I've got a surgery and and I'm I'm 77 and I'm going how many surgeries do I have left in me right but the the real the for me what it comes down to is the real truth is what's important right now is what's important. Right now is the most important thing because we're all one phone call one diagnosis one accident away from having a completely different life or no life so I can't do anything about that but I can do something about right now and what what we pass on out of the grace and mercy basically are different aspects of love. Is it not true?

SPEAKER_07 33:56

That's all we got to give us hi I'm I'm Allie I'm an alcoholic great to be here and um I have to admit I just looked up Grace um my mom has a I got a call from her assisted living and she has a number of health problems but she has um unfortunately she had a big swollen hand and they care for her she gets such great care at this assisted living much better than she would ever get from me. But anyway um you know we need to take her to urgent care you know she needs to go to urgent care and um just the whole I was you know out of the blue it's like okay I'll but luckily I have like I was truly thinking because we I got her there we got the doctor's appointment it's it was challenging because I can't stand being with my mother but um you know it was just through grace and the fact that my brother and another caregiver were saying you know they they couldn't do it. It was my chance and so I just really was driving and it was beautiful and like I'm so grateful without sounding cheesier for Grace for me was that like A, I have the job that allows me to go pick her up. The people were kind enough to help me get her in the car. Urgent care was great um got her a milkshake on the way home and I just was like could afford to pay for it. It was just like wow this is such a I am so blessed and what a grace of course then they called and said she's not feeling well again but we'll deal with that again. But anyway um it's in some ways it's um and maybe this is a horrible analogy um but it's almost like the people at Drake Terrace and other people create enough of a love for her that kind of like when they say we'll love you until you love yourself in the rooms because I do my primarily is just transactional. I'll go you know I'll take her and but it's really challenging but it's also again I get that feeling of like oh my God I'm gonna have to figure this out I'm gonna have to figure out how to get her you know all these things and there are resources that I am uber blessed to have and really felt that today um and I do most every day because um I'm it's also a bunch of things for my family that I get to do taxes etc and it's this weird thing of just that you know talk about an undeserved favor. It's like I can have a crappy attitude initially because my first response is usually no fucking way or you know uh or what and it's usually based on fear but then there's some sort of grace that says like why don't we just give them a call you know like hey I don't can't figure this out give somebody a call and just that balance to me is the balance of the serenity prayer of like what can I do? What can't I do? And again that um there is just walking through it doing the next right thing through the program of yeah my day did change different but to me you know I am very set in my ways and stubborn and the ability to adapt and adjust to situations as they come up to me is such a gift because and again it's like internally I can do the little squawking but um I have it's funny my friend made this little rock and it's got a heart on both sides and I rub it like to remember choose love. And I again this is like um it's a I like a talisman it's almost like a tangible remember uh way to remember that I do have a higher power that it's I need to do my part but just some sort of inner security like it's it's gonna be okay or it's we're gonna get through this and it's not um it's an opportunity for me to grow which of course barf but um anyway and so um you know it my day's been re-re rearranged but my mom's okay and I just need to let go of like parts were fine and parts internally of you know feeling bad because I don't have this kind and loving feeling towards her most of the time. So um but you know what there are people who do and I can be a part of the team and um the last thing is I too have to have surgery this horrible gum surgery and I am somehow thinking that if I don't schedule I won't have to have it um because I'm very concerned because the recovery they're very up and they're very you know they say yeah it's gonna suck for two weeks and I'm like can you just dope me out for like two weeks they're like I don't know they they knew that I was being serious anyway. But so it is again that idea of like short term discomfort for long term you know whatever let's see what happens and um but again every time it's almost like um yeah every time someone mentioned surgeries I'm like oh yeah I guess I'm gonna have to sign up for that because the last thing I'll say is I'll blame it on being alcoholic and love to avoid things. Again, I'm more worried about the procedure than if it'll actually work or I mean I have my focus is so on the wrong you know that on the wrong yeah of the short-term pain versus yeah hey then I get to keep my teeth so um anyway um again all of this is grace of you know because the first thought is not like the best or the brightest and again with that grace or faith that something you know I'm not in it alone and I'll get through it and we'll or will get through it. So again I'm really grateful for this meeting and um all the reminders etc so thanks for letting me share it.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

Thank you Alan good to see you. You know the uh I too had a difficult arrangement with my mother and one of the things that really has helped me is metaphorically looking at life as the teacher what's this trying to show me what's this trying to teach me and the reason it's painful is it's asking me to look at things I don't want to look at. The part of me that doesn't want to look at it is the part that I call the beast. It's the sick part of me because if I look at it and I grow and I learn from it the beast loses power. And if I do that enough the beast won't be running the bus anymore.

Funeral Lessons And Carrying The Message

Willingness, Surrender, And Courage

SPEAKER_04 40:46

But it's a it's a challenge it truly is pain is the resistance to the change the anticipation Ali what you were talking about the anticipation of this surgery is much worse than the reality of the dog here okay who's gonna talk someone just started to talk who's not I gotta there am I working now you are working out Roger you're just too far away that's the problem I know being in Wilton North Dakota it's a long ways away it's a long ways from everywhere yes it is and you can see the end of the earth from there too yes what a great meeting uh this thing about grace uh I remember many years ago being told what grace meant and as I was told it's undeserved love and I thought even for me I'm the baddest of the bad you know I was arrogant about that too you know uh today you buried a good friend of mine uh who's somewhere for 46 years I knew him for those 46 years in attending the funeral the place was packed they set up chairs wherever they could set up chairs for the people that were there and and I'm sitting there thinking how did this happen well this guy worked in the field uh he he worked for a sheriff's department and he obviously came in contact with a lot of people that needed some help and he helped get them to help and this whole thing about grace you know and I think about the big book where it says to stay sober and to stay alive we have to go out and spread the word share the message and I was thinking today about yeah my friend Gary he shared the message for all of those years that's why these people are here in the funeral parlor you know that's why as his wife told me there was over 3,000 people that visited his obituary and I'm thinking this this is incredible uh it's proof to me again uh that when we give it away we stay sober and life is good life is really good the other thing that occurs to me too a couple of people have talked about operations I'm well reminded of some years ago of having an operation in fact it was exploratory they didn't know what was wrong with me and I thought oh boy and the thing that I remembered and it was through meetings through AA through the Grace God, I gotta turn my will and my life over to God before I get in that operating room. They don't know what's wrong, and they don't know, I don't know. And I did that. And I meant it. And I went into that operating room and I wasn't afraid. And I thought, my God, as much as I hate medical procedures, I'm in this operating room, they're gonna cut me open, and I'm not afraid. What a gift. What an incredible gift. I hadn't, you know, I had longed for that type of thing in those times when I was drinking. The guy that was buried today, he and I shared the same sponsor for a period of time. For those that didn't hear the early conversation with Roger My one of my earlier sponsors, this guy was in treatment 23 times, enough times to be blackballed from some of them. Don't ever set your foot in this door away again, and he never did. And he told me some things that I hope I never forget. One of them was Doug, you and I have been given a gift, and there was no charge. If there is a charge, it's how we've been living our life and how we've screwed it up. But being we've been given that gift freely, we need to give it freely. And he flat told me is look, you got to carry this message. You talk to other people, just like I'm talking to you, to let them know you don't have to drink anymore if you don't want to. And here's some things that you gotta follow if you want to live and enjoy living. And one of the other things he told me to kind of drive the point home, he says, Doug, you and I will never know how many people in this world are praying for us. And he, when he said that, I thought, my God, there are people in this world I know. Their job is to pray for other people, and they do that. They may not know my name, I know darn well they prayed for me, though. Because I sobered up, I did not sober up through any human uh power. Yeah, I guess if you want to call it a power, I became willing to listen. I became willing to say, hey, these people here that are trying to take away all my fun with the booze, maybe they know something I don't know. And they did. And I tried to argue with them, and it didn't work because they knew me better than I knew myself. It's been an incredible journey, you know. Uh today I'm grateful that I went to that funeral. It hurts that I lost a really good friend, uh, but I know that that'll heal. But as always, it reminds me when I have anything to do with AA or carrying the message, I feel better. Today I feel better. I got my mind out of my way and said, hey God, things are really pretty good. I believe what you say and I believe what you offer. And today I'm willing again. Tomorrow I might change my mind, but today I'm willing again. And thanks for all of you to being here. Thanks.

SPEAKER_03 47:45

You know, uh, we use that term, the gift of sobriety. It's the most expensive gift I've ever bought. I mean it cost houses, it cost careers, it cost all kinds of stuff on the outside. Inside, I had to give up my egoistic way of being in the world, my transactional way of being in the world. It wasn't a free gift. It was an expensive, it's an expensive club we're in that requires no dues because we paid all the dues before we got here.

Spirit Before Form And Living The Message

SPEAKER_12 48:22

Who else? Thanks. Hey everybody, everybody, Paul, alcoholic I'll go. Um Doug, I just you just gave me goosebumps with with what you shared. I I was gonna um share with the group today just a uh just a grace moment that I had earlier in in my prayers, and that was you know, it was just one of these random thoughts of the idea of considering all the people in my life that have prayed for me. And this is something that up until today I've never done that. And it just gave me such a physical sensation, it just it it hit me right in the chest. I mean, it literally took my breath away just thinking of that for a second. And I I you know to me that's that's grace. And um, you know, it it it's you're right, we don't know how many people out there are are praying for us, but that that energy is exist, it exists and it's never wasted in in God's world. Um so it's there, and I I think Roger, you said it best. It's just how do we get in in alignment with that and go forward with it, and then again be able to pass it on. So uh that's just this whole thing. I mean, this this Zoom meeting right now is just to me is just is grace. Um, but that um you know that it was also interesting, Roger, what you shared. You know, the the idea about cells having intelligence and a non-material force that that that helps drive that renewal process. And to me, that's you know what that is, I think is spirit. And and it there's a parallel, at least to me, in my opinion, with the the expansion of the universe, right? The the universe is is continually expanding, and and science, you know, their their best way to describe it right now, I think is they, you know, they they define it as dark matter and and and it's you know it's the same thing, it's spirit and it's it's all around us working in ways that we have absolutely in mo on most days no idea what's going on. And it's just all about calming our minds down or calming my mind down to be able to tap into that stuff. Doug, thanks for that, share.

SPEAKER_10 50:58

I appreciate that.

Healing Over Judgment And Wholeness

SPEAKER_03 51:05

You know, that imagery that the doctor had about the pulse before there was a heart. That's in my world, that's what Jesus was calling the divinity of man. That is the life force in every one of us, and that never dies. It was there before we came into physical form, and it's going to be there after we get done with the physical shell. Because you can't destroy it, you can't destroy energy. I mean, the scientists have proved that too. So it's like it's so amazing. You know, and you were talking about carrying the message. I think reflecting on I think the the most profound way I carry the message is through my actions. It's not my words. I have so many non-alcoholic people that pick up on this vibe and go, what do you do? You know, why why I watch you, I watch you, they said this when I came in and said, People are always watching. And we are the demonstration. We are the demonstration, and that speaks louder than words. The way you walk through the world, the way you interact with people. I had an interaction today. I got a car that's been in and out of the shop for about a month and a half, and the guy that runs the shop said, uh, just come and bring it here and leave it here. And when I get back from vacation, I'm going to take care of it. Well, he's back from vacation for almost two weeks. And so I called him today and I said, What's going on, man? And he told me he's that he had a couple guys quit, he had a bunch of people sick and out and not showing up. And it was him and one other guy that was running a shop that usually has six people working. And I just, I was very quiet and I said, I get it, I get it. When are you going to get out? Do you think? He said, as soon as possible, I said, Well, that's gonna have to be good enough, isn't it? And I could have another version of me could have said, God damn it, I've been waiting for a month to get this car fixed, and I hope you're not expecting me to pay for this. This better be warranty, god damn it. You know, I could have done that too. And we had a very calm conversation. He and he thanked me. He's also got a tail three years ago and said, you know, I know you're in this A thing, and I think my wife's got a drinking problem. Would you be willing to talk to her? I said, sure. She wasn't willing to talk to me, but I don't have to. I gotta be willing to talk to him, not the other way around. So but I think our actions, you all know this. I've said this a million times, the most profound men in my life were non-verbal. My dad, his demonstration was so loud, no words were necessary. And my stepson Henry, who had downs in autism, he just lived in grace. He just lived in love. So, yeah. Anyone else?

SPEAKER_06 54:12

I'll just jump in here and uh Kathy uh Alanon. You know, of course, I feel incredibly, you know, what I I think is what I have learned in my life so far is that grace doesn't always look like the gift that it is initially. Um you know, I didn't think that it was grace that you know um had my daughter, you know, and and her choices and you know, with the disease and and then my son, and but oh my gosh, the grace, the gifts that have come from that and have blossomed from that, I had no idea, no idea at all. I mean, because I'm like, well, I meet all these incredible people like you guys are. I think that's such a gift, such an unexpected gift. At the beginning, I thought this what could possibly come out. Um, and today I was listening to this thing, and and Richard Rohr, somebody, you know, he's huge in the Christian Catholic community. And he said that um, and I love what he had to say today, then when I was listening to him, he said um that probably the greatest gift that we have given Christianity is the 12-step program. Because, and if we had followed, because all Jesus did was heal, and addiction, you you don't need to be condemned, you just need to be healed, you know, and we all need to be healed, it's a continuous thing. So if we had stayed with Jesus in this lane of um, instead of judgment, reward, and punishment, if we just stayed with, you know, we just need healing, you know, and that's you come in and in doing the 12 steps myself, I've realized I felt more whole because I could begin to embrace those parts of me that I had tried to have buried or not acknowledge were there. And suddenly it's like when you can bring it all out in the open, it's like, oh, there's more breathing space inside, you know, it's beautiful. And just to your point where you were saying that no words needed, the two huge moments of grace that I was not anticipating was with both of my dogs and their passing. One, I was there when the dog took his last breath, and I was filling my my husband and I both looked at each other and we're like, that's that's life, right? They're leaving the body. It doesn't go away. It's just is transformed of where it is. And um, and then when our dog recently Baxter died, you know, he showed us like he could hear and he'd had cancer, and we had to go back to the cancer place. And as soon as he knew we were going back there, he jumps up, he gets down, he runs into the car. I mean, he's like showing us, man, it is this is I'm ready. I am so ready. And this is a dog who's hardly moved, you know, a lot very much in the last week. And he just jumped up and he could, um, it was like he had his backs packed, he was ready to go. And I thought, oh my gosh, what a graceful thing, because he is showing me there is nothing to be afraid of in dying, you know, just like excitement, like, okay, my work here is done, let's do it, let's move on. And so it was such an unexpected gift that I was could not have ever anticipated. Um, and the other thing I was saying is when we begin to know that that um God is in everything, you know, then everything becomes sacred. It's not just this or that. It's you know, that to me is like that makes the world enchanting and worth being in and treasuring um greatly, moment by moment. And if God is in every moment, then every moment is extraordinary, full of possibilities. And one last thing, I have learned, I come to God much more by doing it wrong than I ever did by doing it right. Thank you all for being here.

Perseverance And Lifelong Reconstruction

SPEAKER_03 58:07

Absolutely. Absolutely. You know the thing about Baxter, that is the truth. The spirit does not die, the body wears out, and we just discard it. I've helped a number of people die. And at the moment of what we call death, you can feel the spirit, you can feel the energy leave. And it's like, oh, that's interesting. All right, the other one about the uh life as a teacher on the student metaphor. Um, I've been able to transform, not always instantaneously, but most of the time when something happens and my ego, my the beast says, Oh, we got a problem here, I switch it to no, there's an opportunity here. And I need to look inside this thing that looks like a problem and see what it's trying to show me or teach me. And that takes all the power out of it. All the power out of it. So I've been doing that for a long time, and it's it gets easier, but the one of the keys in this whole life practice we're talking about is perseverance. You have to persist, you have to stay in the game. You don't have to, you know, it's the marathon sprint metaphor. It's a long, long road. Monday night in our meeting, we're in when the amends process said there's a long period of reconstruction ahead. Yeah, the truth is it's your whole bloody life. That's the long period of construction. I'm a work in progress, and there's much more to be done. But someone else talked about this earlier, too. All of this stuff that we call our defects of character were distortions of lessons we got when we were little boys and girls. And we didn't have language and we didn't have context, but we internalized it and it metastasized. And that's a lot of the work I'm doing with the guys right now that I'm working with, what I've learned is all of this stuff, all of this stuff got formed in about my first eight years. And what we call defects of character, and we we want to blame it on our alcoholism. It's not our alcoholism, my alcoholism kept me alive through it. But I had all that stuff in full bloom for 30 years before, for 15 years before I drank. And the alcohol didn't cause it. It saved me from it for a while. Then it was causative itself. And then, you know, that's when we get to the end of the run. But it's an interesting process, isn't it? And everyone comes to it differently, and different aspects of it are problematic for some people and not for other people. It's just the way, it's just the way we've been programmed, it's the way we've been shaped. And now in this process of purification and transformation, we're made new. We're made new. Slowly. Because none of us wants to sign up for the whole renewal at one time. I'll make I'm willing to make some payments. I'll I'll make a weekly payment at Monday night and I'll I'll make a payment on the gap. I'll make a I'll make some payments. Let's not get carried away. Anyone else?

Bottom, Redemption, And Daily Gratitude

SPEAKER_11 1:01:27

Yeah, Andy Alcoholic. Hey, Andy. Uh great talk, Raj. And so many great chairs. Um, good topic, Grace. You know, you talked about the difference of you and uh the people in jail is just not getting caught. And I I had so so many years, so long of like trying to run from getting caught, you know, hiding the drinking, and and then like you said, all the the defects, the fears of what would people think if they could see who I really who I really am, you know, and like the fact that I got caught, go to rehab, all these lies come out. I don't know that I that I would have done it on my own. I couldn't, powerless, right? But I get in that position where it's like gloves are off, that um you here's here's who I am. You see me flat out. There's no there's no mask to be worn at that point. And it was a that was not a fun feeling. And I and I think of this often. I talk to my uncle, and he says, you know, it's you're at bottom. Sounds like you're at bottom. Boy, what a great place, you know. And it's like he knew that that was the opportunity to meet the find God there. I didn't, you know, I just but uh, you know, I came to realize that. And then shortly after that conversation, you know, within days, I meet Roger, you know, and Roger, you said you have a difficult time with people giving you compliments or things. I, you know, I'd remind you all the time. It's like at that bottom, I meet somebody who says, I was there too, you know, and and starting from there and it continues, you help walk me out of that, you know. And I get reminded of the grace every single day now that I have in my life because my wife could have and probably should have said, See you later. You know, I'm taking our kid out and and you you're on your own. And instead, I talk my daughter into bed every single night. And it's like, that's grace right there. You know, it's I get reminded of it. I forget about it during during times of the day, but I haven't had a single day in almost eight years where I don't think about the fact that like what a gift this all is. And the best thing about all of this is what, and I've had a lot of amazing things happen to me in in the last several years, and it's happened to me, not because of me. And that grace lets me be able to sit back and say, Thank you for the gift, because I got me to that bottom. It was getting there and finding turning into something else, and these principles and people mentioned a couple of all sorts of others who show up and help get back. So the opportunity now is just thank you, instead of, hey, look at look at hey, look at what I'm doing. No, it's thank you. Thank you. You know, it's awesome.

Closing And Third Step Prayer

SPEAKER_03 1:04:21

That's good stuff. Well, anyone have anything you want to share before we go? We're at the end of it. Anyone mute ourselves, can you do that? And we'll close with a third step prayer. If you saw desire, join in.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:00

I offer my offer myself to thee to hill with me and to do with me as thou relieve me of those often that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulty, at least that victory over them, maybe a good distance to them of thy power. I do thy will be. I do thy will. Thank you.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:26

Thanks for being here. Thank you. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:30

Thanks, everybody. Sweet dreams, everyone. Thank you. Thanks.

SPEAKER_11 1:05:35

Thanks, Raj. Thank you all.